These past few days, I have felt so sad.... "depressed" is what Robert calls it. He is feeling it too. This loss of our dear girl, Sasia-Jaz, has sent the two of us into a rollar coaster of emotion.... one day elated because Sasia has clearly communicated a sign to us, and then plunging to the depths of sadness and grief at our loss. It is, for us, a horrible reality that is also tinged with incredible moments of grace and beauty. I cannot express in words how deeply this loss has weaved its way into the fabric of our life.... but that is what has happened. Each and every day, my husband and I share looks of comprehension and grief.... knowing, without words what the other is feeling. We are still very different in the male/female aspects, but this experience of Sasia passing over to the other side has brought us together with a comprehension that defies language. I feel it with others who have lost someone close to them too. This unwanted and unasked for bond brings deep understanding between people. Thank God for Ravi, who keeps us sane and helps us to remember that life is worth living.... and can be Joyful again. Today, the thought entered my mind that we can create the story of our lives that we want.... we can still have a beautiful, wonderful, joyous life experience with Ravi and with each other, despite our loss. We have to keep this in mind on a day like today, when it feels like winter, even though it is spring. We need to remind ourselves that Sasia IS with us and she wants us to be happy until we all meet again. We need to create a life experience that Ravi will remember with happiness, not sadness. The hard part is all these feelings that arise, leading us away from joy. It comes from memories and thoughts of Sasia, and it arises unbidden in moments of quiet reflection.... but when we can let ourselves just sit with what is, and know that Sasia's spirit lives on... then we can find some peace. For me and for Robert, meditation helps and we need to do it daily. When we neglect a day, then pretty soon another day passes and before long, it has been a week since we have meditated. It is during meditation that I can FEEL Sasia's presence the most. It sometimes brings me to tears, but other times it brings a feeling of connection. I think the thing we battle with the most, is that our human side misses her physical presence in our lives.... whereas our spirit understands that she is here and we just need to sense her presence. The thing that seems to stand in the way of sensing her presence on a regular basis, is emotion.... sadness and grief. These feelings tend to block my connection to Sasia, but then....wonderful girl that she is.... she will send me some kind of sign to let me know, "I AM HERE." Sigh.... that helps, a lot.
