"I Am Here"

These past few days, I have felt so sad.... "depressed" is what Robert calls it.  He is feeling it too.  This loss of our dear girl, Sasia-Jaz, has sent the two of us into a rollar coaster of emotion.... one day elated because Sasia has clearly communicated a sign to us, and then plunging to the depths of sadness and grief at our loss.  It is, for us, a horrible reality that is also tinged with incredible moments of grace and beauty.  I cannot express in words how deeply this loss has weaved its way into the fabric of our life.... but that is what has happened.  Each and every day, my husband and I share looks of comprehension and grief.... knowing, without words what the other is feeling.  We are still very different in the male/female aspects, but this experience of Sasia passing over to the other side has brought us together with a comprehension that defies language.  I feel it with others who have lost someone close to them too.  This unwanted and unasked for bond  brings deep understanding between people. Thank God for Ravi, who keeps us sane and helps us to remember that life is worth living.... and can be Joyful again.  Today, the thought entered my mind that we can create the story of our lives that we want.... we can still have a beautiful, wonderful, joyous life experience with Ravi and with each other, despite our loss.  We have to keep this in mind on a day like today, when it feels like winter, even though it is spring.  We need to remind ourselves that Sasia IS with us and she wants us to be happy until we all meet again.  We need to create a life experience that Ravi will remember with happiness, not sadness.  The hard part is all these feelings that arise, leading us away from joy.  It comes from memories and thoughts of Sasia, and it arises unbidden in moments of quiet reflection.... but when we can let ourselves just sit with what is, and know that Sasia's spirit lives on... then we can find some peace.  For me and for Robert, meditation helps and we need to do it daily.  When we neglect a day, then pretty soon another day passes and before long, it has been a week since we have meditated.  It is during meditation that I can FEEL Sasia's presence the most.  It sometimes brings me to tears, but other times it brings a feeling of connection.  I think the thing we battle with the most, is that our human side misses her physical presence in our lives.... whereas our spirit understands that she is here and we just need to sense her presence.  The thing that seems to stand in the way of sensing her presence on a regular basis, is emotion.... sadness and grief.  These feelings tend to block my connection to Sasia, but then....wonderful girl that she is.... she will send me some kind of sign to let me know, "I AM HERE."  Sigh.... that helps, a lot.

Unseen Forces

Every day I experience something new.... each day brings something unexpected.  I lay myself wide open to experience this and pray for strength from unseen forces.... from God, my guides, my lovely girl who is now an angel moving among us.  I gather strength from seen and felt forces, as well; the beautiful hummingbirds that grace our yard, the laughter of children playing in the street outside our home, the hugs, looks of compassion, love, time, words and suppot that come from friends, the understanding that comes from those who have also "lost" a loved one to eternity, and the physical presence of my son and husband.  They are the wind beneath my wings as I fly through the maze of sadness and grief.... through all of this are the miracles.  The synchronistic events that let me know, let us all know that our dear Sasia continues to LIVE on and she is indeed communicating with us in a new and different way.  She has become adept at influencing the birds to visit us, to coordinate the coincidences that show us she is near, at flickering the lights or placing an object in our path.... just to say, "Hi."  Yes, she is here, and as her dear, wise friend Ryan said, "I am just  having to get used to a new relationship with her."

Heart Hurting

My heart literally hurts.  By now, I have realized that I cannot expect anything from this grief process.... I never know what is going to happen from day to day, but still.... I thought that my heart would not ache so much by now.  Sasia passed away on June 17th, 2011....that is about 8 months ago.  Today was so awful and the pain was so THERE, and still is.... nothing I can do will alleviate it.  I have exercised today, I have meditated today, I have listened to music, gone on Facebook, posted on Pinterest, had a glass of wine.... nothing helps.  Nothing.  That is what I feel.  Nothing.  No, not true, it is what I wish for, in a way, but know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I WILL continue to feel and that feeling is what I must do, it is part of this process of coming to terms with my loss and sadness.  I miss Sasia so much, and still a part of me cannot believe that she is gone.  I think she must still be in NYC and will come home to visit in the summer, or winter, like every year.... but, I know it isn't true deep down.  Still, it is so hard to take in.  I am filled with conflict.  One day, I think about her being in a heavenly realm and I feel peaceful.  Another day, (like today) I miss her so much and feel the loss of her being gone so much, that the pain is almost unbearable.  Yet another day, I block out the reality and imagine her living in New York, living the life she lived.  Yesterday, I drove through several rainbows (literally) and felt like Sasia was sending me messages.... it felt wonderous, and even as I had tears streaming down my face, I felt close to her!  Earlier today, I felt an overwhelming rage come over me, and I screamed in the car as loud as I could.  I screamed, and screamed and screamed until my voice was hoarse.... but still, my pain was there.  Nothing to do, but accept it.  I will feel this, I will let it in.  That is my route out of this hell.... feel it all.  Do not deny or repress or supress..... even in the midst of the confusion, I have the clarity to know that I need to feel it all.  When I get to the other side, I hope there will be peace.

Pinterest

http://pinterest.com/alesiaart/

Pinterest has been giving me something to focus on....something I can put my mind on and even bring me some solace during this time.  The boards I create are a mix of poetry and images that are helping me to express what is happening deep within my soul.  My heart is completely broken and I am devastated.  Sometimes I wonder how I am able to move through each day, how I am able to continue to survive, even to breathe.... and yet, I do.  I am amazed at the ability for humans to be able to survive the most painful and difficult situations.  How is it that we are able to adapt to something that is so unimaginable?  It is a mystery.  I continue to experience each day as a brand new event, and I never know how I will feel or what I will encounter in a given day.  Some days contain sweetness, as we receive messages from our darling girl in the form of butterflies, music, and hummingbirds.  Some days are filled with excrutiating pain.... literally filling my heart with spasms of deep grief as the tears flow from my eyes.  Some days, I am able to think about my girl and the reality of her passing does not seem to enter into my consciousness, and I can almost pretend that she is still living her life in New York City.  Some days, I am aware that she is living a new life in a heavenly realm and that she is happy, joy-filled, at peace, flying like an angel, and watching over everyone she loves.  Through all of these days, I miss her so much, my heart aches.

Sasia-Jaz Kachirri Regan-Hughes

On June 17, 2011, our darling girl, Sasia passed away in her sleep while living in New York City.  As I write these words, and even though it is more than 6 months past... I still cannot believe it.  I am heart-broken by this loss, devastated beyond words.  There is so much to say, so many changes have occured in my outlook on life.  For me, this blog will be forever changed as I try to wade my way through this life experience.  I miss her so much and would give almost anything to bring her back.  Dear Sasia, I love you so much!

Cruise Vacation starting in the Big Easy

We are in New Orleans! What a cool place... well, in the figurative sense anyway. It is so hot & muggy here, the humidity is just crazy. We have spent a couple of day early in the vacation visiting my dear friend, Maria from high school. It is so..... good to see her & spend time with her again. She is my cup of tea & I love her. She is an interesting person, creative, fun to hang with & a truly great friend. It's been so fun reconnecting & getting to hang out with her a bit. Next, we went on our cruise to Belize, Isla Roatan in Honduras, & Cozumel, Mexico. We spend one week on the cruise ship, relaxing, soaking up the sun, eating great food, & making friends with some of the greatest families! We were so fortunate to have a dinner table with 2 wonderful families that we will be friends with forever! I'll post some more pictures of them here once I have the photos downloaded to my computer. For now, these will have to do.....

ArtFest 2010

ArtFest was amazing this year. I had such a great time in all my classes.... starting with http://www.teeshaslandofodd.com/artfest/ginaarmfield/spp/class.html. Gina Rossi Armfield was such a cool teacher & she brought a spiritual connection to the painting process that I loved & appreciated so much. The art technique that she taught combined photography with painting, in somewhat of a layering process. Gina gave excellent feedback on our pieces, which I learned a lot from & which was incredibly valuable, but the really great part for me, was how she had each of us focus on an intention for the piece. It created a depth to my work, & it brought my focus back to the heart & soul of my piece, over & over again. Wow. I loved the class. The second day of ArtFest I took this class from Bee Shay: http://www.teeshaslandofodd.com/artfest/beeshay/sip/class.html. This class renewed my interest in drawing & it was so much fun. The technique was actually somewhat similar to Gina's, but we were drawing over photographs that had been painted over with thinned gesso, so that we had a template to draw from.....we shaded in the dark areas first, then shaded in the medium areas while leaving the light areas white. These are my pieces from the class: Bee also gave each of us a sketchbook and some black & white photographs to practice drawing from in our new sketchbooks. I'm looking forward to doing more drawings, it's something I spend a lot of time doing as a kid, but have moved away from it over the years. It's like seeing an old friend again, & it felt so comfortable to be drawing again. Then in the afternoon, we painted from a photograph, using the same technique, but this time in color. I painted this painting of a lotus flower: Bee was very sweet & generous, she has a warm soul. The last day of ArtFest was spent in Karen Michel's class: http://www.teeshaslandofodd.com/artfest/karenmichel/hsh/class.html. Karen is one of my favorite people on the planet. I could hang out with her all day.... she's from my tribe, so to speak. The class was awesome, so much fun to create this delightful little houses made of wood, paper, paint, collage elements & ephemera. Karen is into using non-toxic products, & she generously shared all of her glues, paints, etc. with us so that we could try them too. I love that she is moving towards a completely "green" process!