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Originally, this blog was created to share art and creativity.... work I had been doing, artists who have inspired me, projects for others to try, etc.. This past year, a soul shattering event occurred in my life and in the lives of my family, when our darling girl, Sasia, passed away unexpectedly at the age of 25, while sleeping. To say that this has been the most painful and difficult experience of my life, is an enormous understatement. I have learned that it is impossible to imagine the depth of emotional pain and grief that this type of loss brings. It has left a huge hole in my soul, that I feel everyday. This blog has now become a different avenue of expression for me as I share the deeper part of my experience with this loss, and the way that it is now woven into the fabric of my family's everyday lives. In time, I am sure that part of my sharing will be interlaced with artwork, as I feel my way back into artistic expression. For me, Art has always been a joyful expression, and since my daughter's transition into the heavenly realm, I have not felt a strong desire to create. I am just now beginning to experience some stirrings along the artistic lines.... so, in due time, I will be sharing some art. In the meantime, I hope my words here will be inspiring or helpful to others . Namaste.

About Me

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Kirkland, Washington, United States
I strive to be..... loving, kind, spiritual, generous, helpful, intelligent, sharing, sweet, thoughtful, caring, good, inspiring, useful, artistic, and deep. Sometimes I am irritated, impatient, careless, petty, negative, and foolish. I care most about my family, my friends, Spirit, and Love. I am obsessed with good coffee, the sweetness of children,a roaring fire, art in most of its forms, water.... touching, tasting, smelling, hearing and seeing water, roses, miracles, hummingbirds, seeing "signs" from my darling Sasia, being with my family.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Heart Hurting

My heart literally hurts.  By now, I have realized that I cannot expect anything from this grief process.... I never know what is going to happen from day to day, but still.... I thought that my heart would not ache so much by now.  Sasia passed away on June 17th, 2011....that is about 8 months ago.  Today was so awful and the pain was so THERE, and still is.... nothing I can do will alleviate it.  I have exercised today, I have meditated today, I have listened to music, gone on Facebook, posted on Pinterest, had a glass of wine.... nothing helps.  Nothing.  That is what I feel.  Nothing.  No, not true, it is what I wish for, in a way, but know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I WILL continue to feel and that feeling is what I must do, it is part of this process of coming to terms with my loss and sadness.  I miss Sasia so much, and still a part of me cannot believe that she is gone.  I think she must still be in NYC and will come home to visit in the summer, or winter, like every year.... but, I know it isn't true deep down.  Still, it is so hard to take in.  I am filled with conflict.  One day, I think about her being in a heavenly realm and I feel peaceful.  Another day, (like today) I miss her so much and feel the loss of her being gone so much, that the pain is almost unbearable.  Yet another day, I block out the reality and imagine her living in New York, living the life she lived.  Yesterday, I drove through several rainbows (literally) and felt like Sasia was sending me messages.... it felt wonderous, and even as I had tears streaming down my face, I felt close to her!  Earlier today, I felt an overwhelming rage come over me, and I screamed in the car as loud as I could.  I screamed, and screamed and screamed until my voice was hoarse.... but still, my pain was there.  Nothing to do, but accept it.  I will feel this, I will let it in.  That is my route out of this hell.... feel it all.  Do not deny or repress or supress..... even in the midst of the confusion, I have the clarity to know that I need to feel it all.  When I get to the other side, I hope there will be peace.
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1 comment:

  1. AnonymousApril 9, 2012 at 4:26 PM

    "The other side" is an illusion. Peace is, was, and always will be your destiny. Much love, Houman and Gina

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