Pinterest has been giving me something to focus on....something I can put my mind on and even bring me some solace during this time. The boards I create are a mix of poetry and images that are helping me to express what is happening deep within my soul. My heart is completely broken and I am devastated. Sometimes I wonder how I am able to move through each day, how I am able to continue to survive, even to breathe.... and yet, I do. I am amazed at the ability for humans to be able to survive the most painful and difficult situations. How is it that we are able to adapt to something that is so unimaginable? It is a mystery. I continue to experience each day as a brand new event, and I never know how I will feel or what I will encounter in a given day. Some days contain sweetness, as we receive messages from our darling girl in the form of butterflies, music, and hummingbirds. Some days are filled with excrutiating pain.... literally filling my heart with spasms of deep grief as the tears flow from my eyes. Some days, I am able to think about my girl and the reality of her passing does not seem to enter into my consciousness, and I can almost pretend that she is still living her life in New York City. Some days, I am aware that she is living a new life in a heavenly realm and that she is happy, joy-filled, at peace, flying like an angel, and watching over everyone she loves. Through all of these days, I miss her so much, my heart aches.
...this is hard to hear, and even harder to understand: "You have been given a great gift in the loss of your incarnate-in-this lifetime daughter. Her spirit grieves your sadness...but, rejoices that one day you will be able to embrace the gift of her 'death.' Your loss is unimaginable as a mother...but, not as a spirit, which you also are...Since she transitioned, your ever-more-conscious-Love for her...her continued Love for you... together, with your husband's and son's Love...all of this has grown into the lives of others since she passed 'through.' That growth of The Divine has opened many hearts even more. I know you know that, intellectually... but, it doesn't stop the grieving process...it has not yet been one full year...I feel the timing of our 'meeting,' has been 'as it should be.' I am also glad that we have met in cyberspace, where she was quite comfortable... You are a blessed woman, and I am here (via Houman) to tell you that she is with you always... ALWAYS.
ReplyDelete~ Soul Butterfly
Dear Alesia,
ReplyDeleteYou made it through one full year.
Sasia tells me she is looking forward to your re-embracing 'time' ...
Houman says to me. along those lines...: "It's time for you (me) to go."
He led me back to this blog tonight...I had forgotten all about it....He is telling me that you and Robert are the last people he wanted me to connect with, to the extent that we have.
Houman's 'main' purpose in my soul's life pulls at me... it is time for me to attend to my work, and for you to get back to your own...so, I will bow out, and hope that, in time, you can forgive me for conveying some of Houman's 'hard-to-digest' words... I have re-read some this evening...I know they are his, but my soul chose to be a conduit to the so-called 'other side' ... and so, they are mine, too...and I have intuitively known that he is right... there is MUCH joy behind all of the pain in this world, as long as you choose to embrace it...just as Sasia transformed, so can we change pain...
You were meant to go through all you have... and you are now meant to 'know' ... to be in awe... those are words I am receiving, and so... those are the words I leave you with... "embrace as much AWE now as possible... even awe about the depth of pain..." I've read your words...you are already on that path...
I won't write again, Alesia...although, of course, I will reply to anything you might send...but, it is 'time' for 'all of us' to keep exploring...
This is what I have received: You and I were meant to meet in cyberspace only for Houman to help you deal with the end of your first year without Alesia in your human life as your daughter, and for you to know FOR CERTAIN that Sasia is still with you...based on my own awakening from him....Still, it really is this simple: because of the Love you all grew TOGETHER, she cannot help but be eternally entwined with your hearts.
He accomplished that. My job is done.
PLEASE come and visit Michael and I on-island. Just let us know in advance, so that we may clear the dates with you such that you can stay in our guest house ~ We would be honored to have you, Robert and Ravi.
xo, Mary