"I Am Here"

These past few days, I have felt so sad.... "depressed" is what Robert calls it.  He is feeling it too.  This loss of our dear girl, Sasia-Jaz, has sent the two of us into a rollar coaster of emotion.... one day elated because Sasia has clearly communicated a sign to us, and then plunging to the depths of sadness and grief at our loss.  It is, for us, a horrible reality that is also tinged with incredible moments of grace and beauty.  I cannot express in words how deeply this loss has weaved its way into the fabric of our life.... but that is what has happened.  Each and every day, my husband and I share looks of comprehension and grief.... knowing, without words what the other is feeling.  We are still very different in the male/female aspects, but this experience of Sasia passing over to the other side has brought us together with a comprehension that defies language.  I feel it with others who have lost someone close to them too.  This unwanted and unasked for bond  brings deep understanding between people. Thank God for Ravi, who keeps us sane and helps us to remember that life is worth living.... and can be Joyful again.  Today, the thought entered my mind that we can create the story of our lives that we want.... we can still have a beautiful, wonderful, joyous life experience with Ravi and with each other, despite our loss.  We have to keep this in mind on a day like today, when it feels like winter, even though it is spring.  We need to remind ourselves that Sasia IS with us and she wants us to be happy until we all meet again.  We need to create a life experience that Ravi will remember with happiness, not sadness.  The hard part is all these feelings that arise, leading us away from joy.  It comes from memories and thoughts of Sasia, and it arises unbidden in moments of quiet reflection.... but when we can let ourselves just sit with what is, and know that Sasia's spirit lives on... then we can find some peace.  For me and for Robert, meditation helps and we need to do it daily.  When we neglect a day, then pretty soon another day passes and before long, it has been a week since we have meditated.  It is during meditation that I can FEEL Sasia's presence the most.  It sometimes brings me to tears, but other times it brings a feeling of connection.  I think the thing we battle with the most, is that our human side misses her physical presence in our lives.... whereas our spirit understands that she is here and we just need to sense her presence.  The thing that seems to stand in the way of sensing her presence on a regular basis, is emotion.... sadness and grief.  These feelings tend to block my connection to Sasia, but then....wonderful girl that she is.... she will send me some kind of sign to let me know, "I AM HERE."  Sigh.... that helps, a lot.

Unseen Forces

Every day I experience something new.... each day brings something unexpected.  I lay myself wide open to experience this and pray for strength from unseen forces.... from God, my guides, my lovely girl who is now an angel moving among us.  I gather strength from seen and felt forces, as well; the beautiful hummingbirds that grace our yard, the laughter of children playing in the street outside our home, the hugs, looks of compassion, love, time, words and suppot that come from friends, the understanding that comes from those who have also "lost" a loved one to eternity, and the physical presence of my son and husband.  They are the wind beneath my wings as I fly through the maze of sadness and grief.... through all of this are the miracles.  The synchronistic events that let me know, let us all know that our dear Sasia continues to LIVE on and she is indeed communicating with us in a new and different way.  She has become adept at influencing the birds to visit us, to coordinate the coincidences that show us she is near, at flickering the lights or placing an object in our path.... just to say, "Hi."  Yes, she is here, and as her dear, wise friend Ryan said, "I am just  having to get used to a new relationship with her."

Heart Hurting

My heart literally hurts.  By now, I have realized that I cannot expect anything from this grief process.... I never know what is going to happen from day to day, but still.... I thought that my heart would not ache so much by now.  Sasia passed away on June 17th, 2011....that is about 8 months ago.  Today was so awful and the pain was so THERE, and still is.... nothing I can do will alleviate it.  I have exercised today, I have meditated today, I have listened to music, gone on Facebook, posted on Pinterest, had a glass of wine.... nothing helps.  Nothing.  That is what I feel.  Nothing.  No, not true, it is what I wish for, in a way, but know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I WILL continue to feel and that feeling is what I must do, it is part of this process of coming to terms with my loss and sadness.  I miss Sasia so much, and still a part of me cannot believe that she is gone.  I think she must still be in NYC and will come home to visit in the summer, or winter, like every year.... but, I know it isn't true deep down.  Still, it is so hard to take in.  I am filled with conflict.  One day, I think about her being in a heavenly realm and I feel peaceful.  Another day, (like today) I miss her so much and feel the loss of her being gone so much, that the pain is almost unbearable.  Yet another day, I block out the reality and imagine her living in New York, living the life she lived.  Yesterday, I drove through several rainbows (literally) and felt like Sasia was sending me messages.... it felt wonderous, and even as I had tears streaming down my face, I felt close to her!  Earlier today, I felt an overwhelming rage come over me, and I screamed in the car as loud as I could.  I screamed, and screamed and screamed until my voice was hoarse.... but still, my pain was there.  Nothing to do, but accept it.  I will feel this, I will let it in.  That is my route out of this hell.... feel it all.  Do not deny or repress or supress..... even in the midst of the confusion, I have the clarity to know that I need to feel it all.  When I get to the other side, I hope there will be peace.

Pinterest

http://pinterest.com/alesiaart/

Pinterest has been giving me something to focus on....something I can put my mind on and even bring me some solace during this time.  The boards I create are a mix of poetry and images that are helping me to express what is happening deep within my soul.  My heart is completely broken and I am devastated.  Sometimes I wonder how I am able to move through each day, how I am able to continue to survive, even to breathe.... and yet, I do.  I am amazed at the ability for humans to be able to survive the most painful and difficult situations.  How is it that we are able to adapt to something that is so unimaginable?  It is a mystery.  I continue to experience each day as a brand new event, and I never know how I will feel or what I will encounter in a given day.  Some days contain sweetness, as we receive messages from our darling girl in the form of butterflies, music, and hummingbirds.  Some days are filled with excrutiating pain.... literally filling my heart with spasms of deep grief as the tears flow from my eyes.  Some days, I am able to think about my girl and the reality of her passing does not seem to enter into my consciousness, and I can almost pretend that she is still living her life in New York City.  Some days, I am aware that she is living a new life in a heavenly realm and that she is happy, joy-filled, at peace, flying like an angel, and watching over everyone she loves.  Through all of these days, I miss her so much, my heart aches.

Sasia-Jaz Kachirri Regan-Hughes

On June 17, 2011, our darling girl, Sasia passed away in her sleep while living in New York City.  As I write these words, and even though it is more than 6 months past... I still cannot believe it.  I am heart-broken by this loss, devastated beyond words.  There is so much to say, so many changes have occured in my outlook on life.  For me, this blog will be forever changed as I try to wade my way through this life experience.  I miss her so much and would give almost anything to bring her back.  Dear Sasia, I love you so much!