Unseen Forces

Every day I experience something new.... each day brings something unexpected.  I lay myself wide open to experience this and pray for strength from unseen forces.... from God, my guides, my lovely girl who is now an angel moving among us.  I gather strength from seen and felt forces, as well; the beautiful hummingbirds that grace our yard, the laughter of children playing in the street outside our home, the hugs, looks of compassion, love, time, words and suppot that come from friends, the understanding that comes from those who have also "lost" a loved one to eternity, and the physical presence of my son and husband.  They are the wind beneath my wings as I fly through the maze of sadness and grief.... through all of this are the miracles.  The synchronistic events that let me know, let us all know that our dear Sasia continues to LIVE on and she is indeed communicating with us in a new and different way.  She has become adept at influencing the birds to visit us, to coordinate the coincidences that show us she is near, at flickering the lights or placing an object in our path.... just to say, "Hi."  Yes, she is here, and as her dear, wise friend Ryan said, "I am just  having to get used to a new relationship with her."

Heart Hurting

My heart literally hurts.  By now, I have realized that I cannot expect anything from this grief process.... I never know what is going to happen from day to day, but still.... I thought that my heart would not ache so much by now.  Sasia passed away on June 17th, 2011....that is about 8 months ago.  Today was so awful and the pain was so THERE, and still is.... nothing I can do will alleviate it.  I have exercised today, I have meditated today, I have listened to music, gone on Facebook, posted on Pinterest, had a glass of wine.... nothing helps.  Nothing.  That is what I feel.  Nothing.  No, not true, it is what I wish for, in a way, but know beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I WILL continue to feel and that feeling is what I must do, it is part of this process of coming to terms with my loss and sadness.  I miss Sasia so much, and still a part of me cannot believe that she is gone.  I think she must still be in NYC and will come home to visit in the summer, or winter, like every year.... but, I know it isn't true deep down.  Still, it is so hard to take in.  I am filled with conflict.  One day, I think about her being in a heavenly realm and I feel peaceful.  Another day, (like today) I miss her so much and feel the loss of her being gone so much, that the pain is almost unbearable.  Yet another day, I block out the reality and imagine her living in New York, living the life she lived.  Yesterday, I drove through several rainbows (literally) and felt like Sasia was sending me messages.... it felt wonderous, and even as I had tears streaming down my face, I felt close to her!  Earlier today, I felt an overwhelming rage come over me, and I screamed in the car as loud as I could.  I screamed, and screamed and screamed until my voice was hoarse.... but still, my pain was there.  Nothing to do, but accept it.  I will feel this, I will let it in.  That is my route out of this hell.... feel it all.  Do not deny or repress or supress..... even in the midst of the confusion, I have the clarity to know that I need to feel it all.  When I get to the other side, I hope there will be peace.

Pinterest

http://pinterest.com/alesiaart/

Pinterest has been giving me something to focus on....something I can put my mind on and even bring me some solace during this time.  The boards I create are a mix of poetry and images that are helping me to express what is happening deep within my soul.  My heart is completely broken and I am devastated.  Sometimes I wonder how I am able to move through each day, how I am able to continue to survive, even to breathe.... and yet, I do.  I am amazed at the ability for humans to be able to survive the most painful and difficult situations.  How is it that we are able to adapt to something that is so unimaginable?  It is a mystery.  I continue to experience each day as a brand new event, and I never know how I will feel or what I will encounter in a given day.  Some days contain sweetness, as we receive messages from our darling girl in the form of butterflies, music, and hummingbirds.  Some days are filled with excrutiating pain.... literally filling my heart with spasms of deep grief as the tears flow from my eyes.  Some days, I am able to think about my girl and the reality of her passing does not seem to enter into my consciousness, and I can almost pretend that she is still living her life in New York City.  Some days, I am aware that she is living a new life in a heavenly realm and that she is happy, joy-filled, at peace, flying like an angel, and watching over everyone she loves.  Through all of these days, I miss her so much, my heart aches.